I don't want to stand out in a crowd but I want the crowd to notice me of their own accord. I don't want to show off but I want to be seen. I don't want to boast but I want others to praise. I don't want to be made the leader but I want to be elected. I don't want to make a fuss.
I worry about being judged, and I judge others. I worry about my impression in public, and I expect others to worry about theirs. I playact, all the time. I feel I am watched by someone, even when walking in a shopping mall knowing fully well there isn't a face I recognize from before in the vicinity. I feel someone is always videotaping me to show me later a frame and mock me, how I exposed my desires, my weaknesses, my ungainly gait, my bald head, my unkempt hair, my hairy nostril, my big nose, my slightly stooped stance, my nonexistent paunch, my ugly junior. That someone is usually the person I am trying to impress. Then, there are times when I want to make someone feel guilty about not choosing me, as a friend, as a partner, as a special person. For their guilt, I want the video to capture the charisma, the perfect conduct, the right answer, the wit, the persona, the knowledge, the intellect, the precise enunciation, the stance, the glance, the manhood.
I am cognizant of society and social conduct to the point of being empathetic to everyone in the room, even the miscreant. I feel as awkward in a situation as the protagonists. I want any imbalance to straighten itself out early without giving time for the resonance of emotional complexity to rock it even more. In circumstances, I "get" what is the right thing, and what is to be done. When asked, I am able to come up with a "correct" answer, an answer that makes me look smarter than I am, an answer that makes me a martyr, an answer that puts me further ahead in this path of where I want to go than where I am, an answer that pretends than the answer that should be. I have a good sense for the optimal, both in theory and in practice. I try to optimize my own life to the point of setting aside some key needs at times, to the point of planning down to a task hours and days ahead. I get no time to devote consequently to just being in the moment.
I can play the part of how someone wants me to be perfectly well. Come the time when I think I need the same returned to me, I tend to ask for it in the other person. I ask for fairness in giving and receiving, providing me with what I want to be, not what they want me to be. When I don't perceive this fairness, I get frustrated, irritated, feel done in, and let out my feeling of unfairness, sometimes insensitively.
I am the ego. I am myself. I don't like to be myself at times, I don't like to display my ego especially when people notice it for precisely what it is. Many people haven't done that, notice the ego for what it is. But the few who have done, I am worried about their judgement, worried about the truth in their judgement of me.
I worry about being judged, and I judge others. I worry about my impression in public, and I expect others to worry about theirs. I playact, all the time. I feel I am watched by someone, even when walking in a shopping mall knowing fully well there isn't a face I recognize from before in the vicinity. I feel someone is always videotaping me to show me later a frame and mock me, how I exposed my desires, my weaknesses, my ungainly gait, my bald head, my unkempt hair, my hairy nostril, my big nose, my slightly stooped stance, my nonexistent paunch, my ugly junior. That someone is usually the person I am trying to impress. Then, there are times when I want to make someone feel guilty about not choosing me, as a friend, as a partner, as a special person. For their guilt, I want the video to capture the charisma, the perfect conduct, the right answer, the wit, the persona, the knowledge, the intellect, the precise enunciation, the stance, the glance, the manhood.
I am cognizant of society and social conduct to the point of being empathetic to everyone in the room, even the miscreant. I feel as awkward in a situation as the protagonists. I want any imbalance to straighten itself out early without giving time for the resonance of emotional complexity to rock it even more. In circumstances, I "get" what is the right thing, and what is to be done. When asked, I am able to come up with a "correct" answer, an answer that makes me look smarter than I am, an answer that makes me a martyr, an answer that puts me further ahead in this path of where I want to go than where I am, an answer that pretends than the answer that should be. I have a good sense for the optimal, both in theory and in practice. I try to optimize my own life to the point of setting aside some key needs at times, to the point of planning down to a task hours and days ahead. I get no time to devote consequently to just being in the moment.
I can play the part of how someone wants me to be perfectly well. Come the time when I think I need the same returned to me, I tend to ask for it in the other person. I ask for fairness in giving and receiving, providing me with what I want to be, not what they want me to be. When I don't perceive this fairness, I get frustrated, irritated, feel done in, and let out my feeling of unfairness, sometimes insensitively.
I am the ego. I am myself. I don't like to be myself at times, I don't like to display my ego especially when people notice it for precisely what it is. Many people haven't done that, notice the ego for what it is. But the few who have done, I am worried about their judgement, worried about the truth in their judgement of me.
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