Two things about my childhood that I remember vividly - my mom's uncomplaining love and my brothers mocking me. The mocking has probably affected me so much that to this day I feel that there's someone watching my every move. Over years this someone has taken on a contextual personality but I was being watched and my actions evaluated. And I had to score a 10/10 else my brothers would mock me. I had to be perfect. I had to do the right thing all the time.
My rebellious streak since the last days of my undergrad is likely a revolt against this self inflicted scrutiny. It is why even when in the rebel mood I am imagining persons observing me and going "wow, here is one complex man I had misunderstood then; hats off. I'd like a chance to get to know how his current happened" which I would of course snub with a smile.
Curiously in none of those rebel moods I recall visualising my brothers.
On a related note, few things like work and problem-solving pastimes like chess and quiz were extremely satisfactory and enjoyable precisely because they focused my brain away from the self - scrutiny. Meditation also got me there in a non-work, non - intellectual way. Probably why I also was able to ironically scrutinise myself, but in a more dispassionate manner during those times.
My rebellious streak since the last days of my undergrad is likely a revolt against this self inflicted scrutiny. It is why even when in the rebel mood I am imagining persons observing me and going "wow, here is one complex man I had misunderstood then; hats off. I'd like a chance to get to know how his current happened" which I would of course snub with a smile.
Curiously in none of those rebel moods I recall visualising my brothers.
On a related note, few things like work and problem-solving pastimes like chess and quiz were extremely satisfactory and enjoyable precisely because they focused my brain away from the self - scrutiny. Meditation also got me there in a non-work, non - intellectual way. Probably why I also was able to ironically scrutinise myself, but in a more dispassionate manner during those times.
