Confession

The role of the listening stranger that a church priest plays in the double-blind setting of  a confession stand is, I consider, to be one of the many outstanding pragmatic tools that religion has made accessible to the common man without distinction, discrimination or long-lasting judgement. But I digress. Following is a letter I wrote a friend from so many years and experiences past, particularly from his side, that it wouldnt be amiss to simply say he is an acquaintance now. Perhaps, the term has even crossed that line too and trespassed into stranger boundaries since he has in this intervening time adopted a new moniker too.

It is nice to see you doing well. In my pompous ignorance, I was half afraid you might have had a change of mind and found yourself in further confusion. Like the one I am wallowing in. Now. Everyday.

I have been drawn much more towards spirituality over the last year. It has finally dawned on me that this fast paced life of gloat, pleasure, intellectualization, materialism isnt going to give me any long term happiness or satisfaction. Rethinking certain relationships in this short, compassion-filled approach to life over the last 1 year, I can see how those people around me are having a more positive time now, going that extra distance in controlling their ego, showing warmth and sharing the need for one another more openly.

But I just cant seem to place a finger on what to do next. Parents, family, society have their galaxy of expectations from me. Part of me has its own share, foolishly buoyed by successes in life so far. Then there is this desire for long-term companionship that I havent had any luck with so far - for now at least, I can see that much of this desire is fueled by a recent rejection but the prospect of living alone for the foreseeable future portends more loneliness, pain and insecurity. The need for carnal pleasures, too, provides fillip for this on a regular basis.

For those weakness I know I hold, I am unable to keep them in check all the time. And I discover new ones, paradoxically during meditation sittings that are meant to calm than stimulate. I feel empty many times in a day. It seems utterly meaningless to strive towards any populist accepted norms of social living when we as men and women have such basic flaws in our character and cannot pretend to control our own minds. In this light, I find taking on new relationships like spouse or kids a foolish, even disastrous undertaking.

I want to come back to India and help out on socially-relevant projects on the field. I want to be in a position to help as many people as I can by solving the problems in their lives. I want to be able to delve deeper into spirituality without the meddling doubt of intellectual reasoning. I want to explore more without chastisement or pressure.