Written initially in July 2011
Sometimes it is so difficult to broach a particular topic with a person very close and familiar. The age-old maxim 'familiarity breeds contempt' extends naturally to abstract terms more gentle than "contempt" as well. For instance, familiarity leads to biases and preconceived notions about what the persons in the conversation intended to take the place of certain utterances.
Today, familiarity along with a dash of fatigue and backache from getting ready to leave the US is what shut my mouth whereas I had prepped since 4AM in the morning to speak with my eldest brother (and possibly his wife as well, though that merited another sitting) about my latest thoughts on his life. I was going to chide him gently and with a non-judgemental loving tone on two of his recent ugly manifestations of insecurity and the underlying ego - the part when he told my friends in Austin that he worked briefly in Mckinsey while in India, and the part about how certain members of the family seem to have an artificial tone when speaking with other members of the family. Both stem from his judgemental ego, the first from being insecure in its current body of accomplishments and therefore needing to assert itself through association with popular symbols of high quality, while the second is a reactive justification to a direct question without giving the words much thought. Yes, these were ugly since I knew the truth. It gets really hard to see the same person with any amount of respect when such ugliness shows through. Did he really think I wouldnt notice the lies he was fabricating to impress the outside world? Or did he not care because he and I were on familiar terms already and there was to be no new information that I can learn anyway? Well, I would say that resisting the temptation to boast and lie about accomplishments is itself new information I would have loved to glean about my brother!
The one thing I strongly feel over and over again when it comes to his life is how reactive and visceral it all is. From daily happenings to thought expositions about the short-term future, he seems to speak faster and sooner than his mind can complete the bigger picture for him. I know because I used to be like that, wanting to assert my intelligence, showcase my intellect, think on my feet and yet come up with something witty or clever or insightful to add to the conversation, speaking on a topic without any direct experience whatsover often regurgitating from other sources I had heard or read without intellectual value addition from my side. The next time he wants to say something reactive, I want to tell him to stop and just breathe deeply, and to then decide whether he still wants to say the same thing. I want to lead him through the same paces as I went through as a result of which, over many months of introspection culminating in That intensely lonely time, I got a glimpse in to what I was and how I should not be anymore. But any approach seems futile since I can almost predict his response, his strong words in reaction, the ego hurt those words would cause me, the defensive position I would adopt, the poking at the defenses he would then do only to tie back his side of the argument to whatever started it all and say something to the effect of him already having experienced it and I was being either juvenile or immature or inexperienced in my hasty pronouncement.
When I heard he and his wife had patched up in a meaningful way, I was genuinely happy. Really happy. When I then heard the patch up was mainly an acknowledgement of sorts on both sides about the other's weaknesses and therefore an acceptance of the people as they are, a part of that happiness evaporated instantly. What meaningful longlasting change can occur with a mere acknowledgement and acceptance of one's weaknesses? Especially so when I have heard from both their mouths at different instances in time that a big ego was a quality in the weakness repertoire and they can do nothing about it? Really? Can any reconciliation happen with the egos still guarding the mental fortresses? Isnt such a truce merely setting each of them up for further collapses the moment one party notices or even perceives transgressions on the other's part? Where does it end then - another truce, another acknowledgement, another round of yes-I-accept-you-for-what-you-are?
The truly commendable thing to have done would have been to acknowledge, of course that's the first step, but then to also take corrective action. Tackling the ego, the base of every suffering that man causes to himself and others around him, should have been priority number one. It is not undoable like many men ahead of us have shown and written such fantastic books about.
Sometimes it is so difficult to broach a particular topic with a person very close and familiar. The age-old maxim 'familiarity breeds contempt' extends naturally to abstract terms more gentle than "contempt" as well. For instance, familiarity leads to biases and preconceived notions about what the persons in the conversation intended to take the place of certain utterances.
Today, familiarity along with a dash of fatigue and backache from getting ready to leave the US is what shut my mouth whereas I had prepped since 4AM in the morning to speak with my eldest brother (and possibly his wife as well, though that merited another sitting) about my latest thoughts on his life. I was going to chide him gently and with a non-judgemental loving tone on two of his recent ugly manifestations of insecurity and the underlying ego - the part when he told my friends in Austin that he worked briefly in Mckinsey while in India, and the part about how certain members of the family seem to have an artificial tone when speaking with other members of the family. Both stem from his judgemental ego, the first from being insecure in its current body of accomplishments and therefore needing to assert itself through association with popular symbols of high quality, while the second is a reactive justification to a direct question without giving the words much thought. Yes, these were ugly since I knew the truth. It gets really hard to see the same person with any amount of respect when such ugliness shows through. Did he really think I wouldnt notice the lies he was fabricating to impress the outside world? Or did he not care because he and I were on familiar terms already and there was to be no new information that I can learn anyway? Well, I would say that resisting the temptation to boast and lie about accomplishments is itself new information I would have loved to glean about my brother!
The one thing I strongly feel over and over again when it comes to his life is how reactive and visceral it all is. From daily happenings to thought expositions about the short-term future, he seems to speak faster and sooner than his mind can complete the bigger picture for him. I know because I used to be like that, wanting to assert my intelligence, showcase my intellect, think on my feet and yet come up with something witty or clever or insightful to add to the conversation, speaking on a topic without any direct experience whatsover often regurgitating from other sources I had heard or read without intellectual value addition from my side. The next time he wants to say something reactive, I want to tell him to stop and just breathe deeply, and to then decide whether he still wants to say the same thing. I want to lead him through the same paces as I went through as a result of which, over many months of introspection culminating in That intensely lonely time, I got a glimpse in to what I was and how I should not be anymore. But any approach seems futile since I can almost predict his response, his strong words in reaction, the ego hurt those words would cause me, the defensive position I would adopt, the poking at the defenses he would then do only to tie back his side of the argument to whatever started it all and say something to the effect of him already having experienced it and I was being either juvenile or immature or inexperienced in my hasty pronouncement.
When I heard he and his wife had patched up in a meaningful way, I was genuinely happy. Really happy. When I then heard the patch up was mainly an acknowledgement of sorts on both sides about the other's weaknesses and therefore an acceptance of the people as they are, a part of that happiness evaporated instantly. What meaningful longlasting change can occur with a mere acknowledgement and acceptance of one's weaknesses? Especially so when I have heard from both their mouths at different instances in time that a big ego was a quality in the weakness repertoire and they can do nothing about it? Really? Can any reconciliation happen with the egos still guarding the mental fortresses? Isnt such a truce merely setting each of them up for further collapses the moment one party notices or even perceives transgressions on the other's part? Where does it end then - another truce, another acknowledgement, another round of yes-I-accept-you-for-what-you-are?
The truly commendable thing to have done would have been to acknowledge, of course that's the first step, but then to also take corrective action. Tackling the ego, the base of every suffering that man causes to himself and others around him, should have been priority number one. It is not undoable like many men ahead of us have shown and written such fantastic books about.
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